I've been meaning to write for a while now, but I've been paralyzed.
Back in May, MADE IN CHOSS had it's 1st birthday, and I did nothing about it 😰.
This pointed to the unresolved feelings I've had about my success thus far. I've had a very hard time celebrating my creativity and it had driven me into a rut.
Then we went climbing outdoors, and I took a nasty fall. I dropped 25 feet and hit rock bottom. This was a fall that could have ended my life, or any degree of my mobility. On the slimmest of odds, I walked away with only a fat bruise on my left butt cheek.
I believe I only fell because I was afraid to commit to a move well within my abilities.
It woke me up. I've been living spooked.
I tasted how easily I could have lost my ability to create, and what a gift creativity is! I've so easily squashed it over the past year because of some unrealistic standards and my crippling perfectionism.
I couldn't believe the useless pattern of my spinning thoughts.
Clarity, aha!
This ignited a drive in me. Over the month of June, I challenged myself to let go of my predilection to smash pieces, and simply create. I spent 90 hours in the studio to make 50 pieces:
- 16 ocean bowls
- 13 side bowls
- 21 mountain mugs
I muted the perfectionist critic in my head.
I kept pieces with goofy lips, letting their personality delight me. I was free and confident in my designs. Every day of work was playful, yet determined and driven.
And I made more pieces in one studio cycle than I had ever before. I should feel accomplished, yeah?
Nope.
I felt ✨ dissatisfied ✨ . All the lessons from May, and every cycle before, went right out the window. Having done 90% of the work, the last 10% opened before me in a yawning abyss.
The physical paralysis I narrowly escaped came back to haunt me psychologically. My studio cycle ground to a halt. My morning journal dried up, I stopped texting and calling. And worst of all, I stopped making.
In the Artist's Way, they're called creative u-turns. Self-sabotage. At it's root emotion: fear.
It smacks me in the face: I'm afraid to fail. duh.
I'm afraid the art is not good. I'm afraid others won't "get it". I'm afraid my art won't sell. I'm afraid this is the limit of my potential.
What I've learned is that there is no way through but to go down down down. These peaks and valleys are inherent in the creative process, I have to withdraw and reflect. And instead I'll do the opposite of what I need to numb this dreadful pit in my stomach.
The creative process highlights my shortcomings, and this bag of insecurities is heavy! I have to shave off these doubts in order to climb again.
- Kindness and Compassion: A regular question from Santi, my creative guru: "If you had a daughter or a friend in your current situation, what would you say to her?"
- Inherent Value in the Work: In the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron's reminds us that our work simply a guidepost for what's next. The value of our work is not derived from market success but by the act of doing the work itself.
Yo, when the climbing gets tough, we get tougher. We are made stronger in these chossy moments. And its funny too, because I was reminded recently that I fall more than I send when climbing, so much so that I even named my pottery biz MADE IN CHOSS. A high failure rate is inevitable, I just need to apply the same mentality as climbing to making art a business.
I know I'll find myself back in this mire of emotions as part of the creative process. But with each cycle, I aim to uncover more truths and try a little harder. I'm just relearning what I already know when facing the unknown.
Here's my simple advice that's hard to follow: If you're scared, just do it scared.
There's no way out but through. Keep going.
With love,
Sarah
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